Written by: Ty King
Directed by: Bruce Seth Green
Transcribed by: AleXander Thompson
Copyright © 1997 Alexander Thompson
~~~~~~~~~~ Disclaimer ~~~~~~~~~~
I do not own the characters in this story, nor do I own any rights to
the television show "Buffy the Vampire Slayer". They were created by
Joss Whedon and belong to him, Mutant Enemy, Sandollar Television, Kuzui
Enterprises, 20th Century Fox Television and the WB Television Network.
This is not a novelization or a script. It is a straightforward and dry
transcript of the episode "Some Assembly Required". It also includes
descriptions of the settings, action scenes and camera movements where I
felt they were needed.
I made every effort to accurately transcribe the dialogue from this
episode. If you notice anything that is transcribed incorrectly, please
let me know and I will post an update. rev 98.09.28
This episode was originally broadcast on September 22, 1997.
~~~~~~~~~~ Prologue ~~~~~~~~~~
In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against
the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer.
The cemetery. Buffy is sitting on top of the gravestone of Stephan
Korshak playing with her yo-yo.
Buffy: C'mon, Stephan, rise and shine. Some of us have a ton of trig
homework waiting.
The camera cuts to her right and approaches her from behind.
Angel: Hey.
Buffy inhales a quick startled breath and turns around to face her
stalker.
Angel: Is this a bad time?
Buffy: Are you crazy? You don't just sneak up on people in a graveyard.
You make noise when you walk. You stomp or... yodel.
Angel: I heard you were on the hunt.
Buffy: I'm supposed to be, but... lazy bones here doesn't wanna come
out and play.
Angel: When you first wake up it's a little disorienting. He'll show.
Buffy: It's weird to think of you going through that.
Angel: It's weird to go through. So, uh, you're here alone?
Buffy: Yeah! Why?
Angel: I just thought you'd have somebody with you. Xander or someone.
Buffy: Xander.
Angel: Or someone.
Buffy: Nope. (hops down off the gravestone) Why? Are you jealous?
Angel: (chuckles) Of Xander? Please. He's just a kid.
Buffy: Is it 'cause I danced with him?
Angel: 'Danced with' is a pretty loose term. 'Mated with' might be a
little closer.
Buffy: Don't you think you're being a little unfair? It was one little
dance, which I only did to make you crazy, by the way. Behold my
success.
Angel: I am *not* jealous.
Buffy: You're not jealous? What, vampires don't get jealous?
Stephan has come out of the ground, and looks at them from behind his
gravestone.
Angel: See? Whenever we fight you always bring up the vampire thing.
Buffy: Well, I didn't come here to fight.
The vampire lunges at her and knocks her into Angel. They fall to the
ground, but Buffy quickly gets up.
Buffy: Oh, right, I did.
Stephan throws a few punches which Buffy easily blocks. She punches him
in the face several times and kicks him in the jaw, sending him
stumbling into a large adjacent gravestone. She looks around
frantically.
Buffy: Where's my stake? I-I know I had a stake!
Angel: I didn't see a stake!
The vampire grabs a shovel that was lying by the other gravestone and
comes at them again. Angel attacks, but Stephan brings the shovel up and
hits him in the side of the face, knocking him onto his back. He leaves
Angel lying there and steps toward Buffy. She meets him and jumps over
the shovel when Stephan swings it at her legs. He swings it at her
again, but she catches it, hits him again and breaks the handle. She
spins around with her half and jams the broken handle into his chest. He
falls over backward and bursts into ashes as he hits the ground. Angel
gets up holding the side of his head.
Buffy: (out of breath) What do you mean he's just a kid? Does that mean
I'm just a kid, too?
Angel: Look, obviously I made a mistake coming here tonight. (turns and
leaves)
Buffy: Oh, no you don't. You can't just turn and walk away from me like
that. (starts following him determinedly) It takes more than that to get
rid of me.
She falls into an open grave with an open and empty coffin at the
bottom.
Buffy: Oof! Uhhh...
Angel comes over and bends down to look.
Angel: You okay?
Buffy: I'm fine. (sits up and exhales) Gee, I wish people wouldn't
leave open graves laying around like this. (stands up slowly)
Angel: So. Another vampire has risen tonight.
She pokes her head out of the grave and looks across the grass.
Buffy: I don't think so. Look at those tracks. Whoever was buried here
didn't rise from this grave.
She climbs out of the grave and finds a girl's shoe.
Buffy: She was dragged from it.
Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays.
~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~
Sunnydale High School. Cut to the library. Buffy and Xander walk in and
see Giles sitting in a chair and talking to another empty chair across
from him.
Giles: (clears his throat) W-w-w-what I'm proposing is, um... and I-I
don't mean to appear indecorous, is, is, um, a, a-a-a social engagement,
um, a, a, a, a-a date, if you're amenable.
Buffy and Xander stop and listen to him. Giles is displeased with
himself.
Giles: You idiot!
Buffy: Boy...
Giles is startled and quickly gets up and faces them.
Buffy: I guess we never realized how much you like that chair.
Giles: I-I-I was just working on... (knocks over a few books)
Buffy: Your pickup lines?
Giles: (bends down) Um, in a manner of speaking, yes. (picks up the
books)
Buffy: Then if you wouldn't mind a little Gene and Roger, you might
wanna leave off the 'idiot' part. Being called an idiot tends to take
people out of the dating mood.
Xander: Hmm, it actually kinda turns me on. (looks at Buffy)
Buffy: (to Xander) I fear you. (goes to the table) You also might wanna
avoid words like 'amenable' and 'indecorous', y'know. Speak English, not
whatever they speak in, um...
Giles: England?
Buffy: Yeah. You just say, 'Hey, I got a thing, you maybe have a thing,
maybe we could have a thing.'
Giles: (sarcastically) Oh, thank you, Cyrano.
Buffy: I'm not finished. Then you say, 'How do you feel about Mexican?'
Giles: About Mexicans?
Buffy: Mexican. Food. You take her for food, for which you then pay.
(sits at the table)
Giles: Oh. Right.
Xander: So this chair-woman. We are talking Ms. Calendar, right?
Giles: W-what makes you think that?
Xander: (sits) Simple deduction. Ms. Calendar is reasonably dollsome,
especially for someone in your age bracket. She already knows that
you're a school librarian, so you don't have to worry about how to break
that embarrassing news to her.
Buffy: And she's the only woman we've actually ever seen speak to you.
Add it all up and it all spells 'duh'.
Xander: Now, is it time to have a talk about the facts of life?
Giles: You know, I'm suddenly deciding this is none of your business.
(starts up the stairs)
Xander: Y'know, because that whole stork thing is a smoke screen.
Giles stops and looks back at him. Buffy laughs to herself.
Giles: So, um, how did things go last night? Did Mr. Korshak show up on
schedule?
Buffy: More or less. Angel and I took care of him.
Xander: Angel.
Buffy: (gives Xander a look) There's something else, though. We found
an empty grave.
Giles: Another vampire?
Buffy: No. No, this one was dug up and the body was taken out.
Giles: Grave robbing? That's new. Interesting. (comes back down to the
table)
Buffy: I *know* you meant to say gross and disturbing.
Giles: Yes, yes, yes of course. Uh, terrible thing. Must, must put a
stop to it. Damn it.
Xander: So. Why does someone want to dig up graves?
Giles: Well, I'll, uh, collect some theories. Uh, it would help if we
knew who the body belonged to.
Buffy: Meredith Todd. Ring a bell?
Xander: No.
Buffy: She died recently. She was our age.
Xander: Drawin' a blank.
Giles: Why don't we ask Willow to, uh, fire (indicates the PC) this
thing up and, uh, track Meredith down?
Cut to the halls. Sign-ups for the science fair are going on. Willow is
writing in her entry. Eric comes up to her with a camera and points it
at her.
Eric: Smile! (takes her picture)
Willow: Hey!
He turns around and sees another girl.
Eric: Oh, look at those legs! (goes to take her picture)
Willow: No, thank you.
Chris comes up behind Willow.
Chris: Eric, will you knock it off?
Eric looks at him, upset to have his fun spoiled.
Willow: (smiles) Hey, Chris!
Chris: Hey.
He picks up a sign-up sheet. She watches what he's writing. He looks up
at her.
Willow: Oh, I, I was just wondering what you were gonna do this year.
Chris: Why?
Willow: 'Cause every year you win and I place second, so I just thought
I'd see what I'm up against.
Chris: You know what the key is? If Dr. Clark doesn't understand your
experiment he gives you higher marks so it looks like he understands
your experiment. (reads Willow's entry) 'The Effects of Sub-Violet Light
Spectrum Deprivation on the Development of Fruit Flies'? (smirks) That
should do the trick.
Cordelia: (shows up and signs up) Okay, I'm doing this under protest.
It is not fair that they're making participation in this year's science
fair mandatory. I don't think anyone should have to do anything
educational in school if they don't want to.
Willow: (reads) 'The Tomato: Fruit or Vegetable'?
Cordelia: I wanted to do something I could finish in a weekend,
alright?
Eric flashes a picture of Cordelia.
Cordelia: Stop it! What are you doing? (Eric takes another picture) We
are under florescent light, for God's sake.
Eric: The camera loves you!
Cordelia: I didn't think yearbook nerds came out of hibernation till
spring.
Eric: (snaps another picture) It's for my private collection. (winks)
Chris: Eric! Will you quit it?
Buffy: Comin' through. Sorry. (Eric takes her picture) Uh, sorry to
interrupt, Willow, but it's the Bat Signal.
Willow: Okay, sure. See you later, Chris. Thanks for the tip.
Chris: Okay.
Cordelia watches them go. Eric raises his eyebrows at her.
Cordelia: (disgusted) Uhhh! (leaves)
Eric: Cordelia's so fine. Y'know, she'd be just perfect for us.
Chris: Don't be an idiot. She's alive.
Cut to the library. Willow sits down in front of the PC.
Willow: This shouldn't take long. I'm probably the only girl in school
who has the coroner's office bookmarked as a favorite place.
Cordelia: (coming in) Hi. Sorry to interrupt your little undead
playgroup, but I need to ask Willow if she'll help me with my science
fair project.
Willow: It's a fruit.
Cordelia: I would've asked Chris to help me, but then that would've
brought back too many memories of Daryl.
Willow: I found it! Meredith Todd died in a car accident last week.
Cordelia: Of course I have learned to deal with my pain.
Buffy: How was her neck?
Willow: Fine, except for being broken.
Giles comes out of his office.
Cordelia: Hello! Can we deal with my pain, please?
Giles: There, there.
He pats her on the shoulder and continues up into the stacks.
Willow: It says that Meredith and two other girls in the car were
killed instantly. They were all on the Fondren High Pep Squad, on the
way to a game.
Buffy: You know what this means.
Xander: That Fondren might actually beat Sunnydale in the cross-town
body count competition this year?
Buffy: She wasn't killed by vampires. Somebody did dig up her corpse.
Cordelia: Eww! Why is it that every conversation you people have has
the word 'corpse' in it?
Xander: Okay, so we got a body snatcher. What does that mean?
Giles: Uh, h-here's what I've come up with. Demons who eat the flesh of
the dead to absorb their souls. Or, i-i-it could obviously be a, a
voodoo practitioner.
Willow: You mean making a zombie?
Giles: Uh, zombies, more likely. For most traditional purposes a voodoo
priest would require more than one.
Buffy: So, we should see if the other girls from the accident are AWOL,
too. Maybe we can figure out what this creep has in mind if we know
whether or not he's dealing in volume.
Xander: So, we dig up some graves tonight?
Willow: Oh, boy! A field trip! Are you gonna call Angel?
Buffy: I don't think so.
Xander: Yeah, why bother him, huh?
Buffy: Angel and I have been, um... Never mind. As far as Angel's
concerned, I'm taking the night off, okay?
Xander: So, we're set then. Say, nineish? BYO shovel?
Willow: And I'll pack some food. Who else likes those little powdered
doughnuts?
Xander: Me.
Willow: Cordelia?
Cordelia: Darn, I have cheerleader practice tonight. Boy, I wish I knew
we were gonna be digging up dead people sooner. I would've canceled.
Xander: Alright, but if you come across the army of zombies, can you
page us before they eat your flesh?
Cordelia huffs and leaves the library.
Giles: Xander?
Xander: Huh?
Giles: Zombies don't eat the flesh of the living.
Xander: Yeah, I knew that. But did you see the look on her face?
Cut to the cemetery that night. Giles and Xander are digging while Buffy
and Willow relax and watch.
Buffy: I couldn't believe Angel. He was acting all jealous, and he
wouldn't even admit it.
Willow: Jealous of what?
Buffy: Of Xander.
Willow: Because you did that sexy dance with him?
Buffy: Am I ever gonna live that down?
Willow: No. (munches a doughnut)
Buffy: Anyway, he was being totally irrational.
Willow: Love makes you do the wacky.
Buffy: That's the truth.
Xander: Y'know, this might go a lot faster if you femmes actually
picked up a shovel, too.
Giles: Here, here.
Buffy: Sorry, but I'm an old-fashioned gal. I was raised to believe
that men dig up the corpses and the women have the babies. (to Willow)
So, speaking of the wacky, what was Cordelia's whole riff about painful
memories? Who's Daryl?
Willow: Daryl Epps. Chris' older brother. He was a big football star.
All-State two years ago. He was a running... He was a running... Uh,
someone who runs and catches.
Buffy: Was he a studly?
Willow: Big time. All of the girls were crazy for him.
Buffy: And he broke Cordy's heart? Thus possibly proving its existence.
Willow: He died. Rock climbing or something? He fell.
Buffy: Man, that's lousy. Poor Chris.
Willow: Ever since then Chris has been real quiet. Kind of in his own
world. I heard their mother doesn't even leave the house anymore.
Giles: I think we're there.
Buffy and Willow get up and go over to the grave.
Willow: By the way, are we hoping to find a body, or no body?
Xander: Call me an optimist, but I'm hoping to find a fortune in gold
doubloons.
Giles: Um, body would mean flesh-eating demon, no body would point
towards the, uh, army of zombies thing. Take your pick, really. Right,
then, uh... (to Xander) Go on. (indicates the casket)
Xander: You're closer.
Buffy: Pathetic much? (climbs down) Move over.
She opens the casket.
Cut to the school after cheerleading practice. The cheerleaders are
heading home.
Cordelia: Guys, if we don't get this down by tomorrow, no one's gonna
be led by our cheers. Practice.
Girl: Okay. See ya later.
Cordelia continues on to her own car as the others get in theirs. They
drive off before Cordelia reaches her car. She hears something by the
fence and stops to look around.
Cordelia: Hello?
She continues to her car and starts to dig in her pack for her keys. She
gets them out and runs the rest of the way to her car. She nervously
fumbles with the lock.
Cordelia: Xander Harris, if this is some kind of joke...
She drops her keys and they roll under the car. She kneels down and
reaches for them frantically. On the other side of her car she can see
someone in black shoes approaching. She quickly gets up and starts to
run. The man follows her. He walks past a dumpster. When he's gone the
lid opens, and Cordelia checks to see if the coast is clear. She pushes
the lid up all the way, then turns around again to hop out, but is
startled by Angel.
Angel: Cordelia. This is the last place I expected you to hang out.
Cordelia: (quietly) Oh, God! God, it's you. Why were you following me?
Angel: I wasn't sure it was you at first. I'm looking for Buffy.
Cordelia: Buffy? Well, she's, uh... big shock, she's at the graveyard.
Angel: She said she'd be home.
Cordelia: Well, she lied. Isn't she a rascal? Well, you're in luck. It
just so happens that my night is free. (tries to get out) Uh, hold on,
my skirt is caught.
She reaches behind her and gets her skirt loose.
Cordelia: There.
She picks up what was holding her skirt and sees it's a hand. She drops
it and screams.
~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~
The library. Xander can be heard outside in the hall.
Xander: So, both coffins are empty. That makes three girls signed up
for the army of zombies.
They come in through the doors.
Willow: Is it an army if you just have three?
Angel gets up from the table and faces them. Cordelia clings to his arm
and gets up, too.
Buffy: Zombie drill team then.
Angel: You're back.
Buffy: Angel!
Angel: Xander.
Xander: Angel.
Angel: (to Buffy) I thought you were takin' the night off.
Buffy: I, I was, um, but something came up.
Angel: Cordelia told me the truth.
Xander: (chuckles) That's gotta be a first.
Giles: Um, as long as you're here, perhaps you could be of some help.
Hmm? (to Buffy) Hmm?
Buffy: We were investigating. Somebody's been digging up the bodies of
dead girls.
Angel: I know. We found some of them.
Buffy: You mean, like, two of the three?
Angel: I mean, like, some of them. Like parts.
Cordelia: It was horrible. Angel saved me from an arm. God, there were
so many parts, they were everywhere. Why are these terrible things
always happening to me?
Xander: Karma! (coughs to cover it)
Willow: So much for our zombie theory.
Giles: So much for all our theories.
Buffy: I don't get it. Why go to all the trouble to dig up three girls
only to chop them up and throw them away? It doesn't make any sense.
Especially from a time management standpoint.
Angel: Well, what I saw didn't add up to three whole girls. I think
they kept some parts.
Buffy: Could this get yuckier?
Willow: They probably kept the other parts to eat.
Buffy: Question answered.
Giles: Why dispose of the remains five miles from the cemetery at a
school, of all places?
Buffy: Maybe because whoever did it had some business in the
neighborhood. Like, say, classes?
Giles: Oh. Ah.
Angel: This was no hatchet job. Whoever made those incisions really
knew what they were doing.
Giles: (disbelieving) Yes, really. What student here is gonna be that
well versed in physiology?
Willow: Well, I can think of five or six guys in the science club. And
me.
Xander: So, Will, come clean. Promise to never do it again, and we'll
call it a night. (no response) He joked! (smiles)
Buffy: Willow, why don't you get these guys' locker numbers so we can
do some checking?
Cordelia: No. I have to go home now. I have to take a bath and burn my
clothes.
Xander: (in mock disappointment) You have to go? Aw, too bad. Keep in
touch. Buh-bye.
Cordelia: I don't wanna go alone. I'm still fragile. (to Angel) Can you
take me?
Angel is in open-mouthed shock, and looks at Buffy. She gives him a
stare of disapproval.
Cordelia: Great! I'll drive?
She leads the way out of the library as Angel gives Buffy another
helpless look.
Xander: How about that? I always pegged him as a one-woman vampire.
Cut to Chris' house. His mother is sitting in front of the TV watching
videos of Daryl's games. His trophy sits on top of the TV. Chris comes
out of the basement.
Chris: I'm going out, Mom.
She doesn't even look up. She just blows out another lungful of
cigarette smoke. Chris walks over to the front door.
Chris: I'll be back later, okay? Mom?
Still no response. She takes another drag from her cigarette. Chris lets
out a sigh of frustration and leaves the house. On the video Daryl just
scored a touchdown, and the team is holding him up high as the
cheerleaders jump and wave their pompoms.
Video: Dar-yl! Dar-yl! Dar-yl! Dar-yl! Dar-yl!
Daryl takes his helmet off and holds his fists up in the air, laughing
and enjoying the moment.
Cut to the halls at school. Xander is working a locker combination from
a list. Giles comes down the other hall.
Giles: You understand, in my capacity as school official, this search
is completely unauthorized, and I, I cannot condone it.
Buffy: Fine, your butt's covered. Wanna grab a locker? (hands him a
sheet)
Giles: Uh, yes, yes, of course. (takes the sheet)
Buffy: (approaches a locker) Okay, Eric. Let's see what's on your
annoying little mind.
Willow: (at another locker) Nothing in here but back issues of
Scientific American. Ooo, I haven't read this one! (starts to read)
Giles: Nothing remarkable here.
Xander: (opens one) Guys!
They all go over to see.
Xander: Your friend Chris Epps' locker.
Willow: (reads off book titles) 'Grey's Anatomy', 'Mortician's Desk
Reference', 'Robicheaux's Guide to Muscles and Tendons'.
Giles reaches in and pulls out a newspaper folded open to a picture of
the three cheerleaders. The title above the picture reads 'Tragic
Accident Kills Three'.
Giles: I think it's fair to say Chris is involved.
Xander: He's into corpses alright, but we still don't know why.
Buffy: Yes, we do.
She opens Eric's locker door and shows them a collage of a woman made
from parts of various pictures.
Cut to Chris' basement. Eric sings while Chris works on a body.
Eric: I guess you'll say / What can make me feel this way? / My girl /
Talkin' 'bout my girl / My girl... How's my baby?
Chris: She's not your baby.
Eric: She's not gonna be anybody's baby if we don't finish her soon.
Chris: I'm working on it.
Eric: So am I, friend. So am I.
He hangs up freshly developed pictures of Buffy, Willow and Cordelia to
dry.
Cut to the balcony. Buffy comes up to Willow and Xander sitting on the
railing.
Xander: Any sign of our suspects?
Buffy: Not yet. I don't get it. Why would anybody wanna make a girl?
Xander: You mean when there's so many pre-made ones just laying around?
The things we do for love.
Buffy: Love has nothing to do with this.
Xander: Maybe not, but I'll tell you this: people don't fall in love
with what's right in front of them.
Willow gives Buffy a sad, knowing look.
Xander: People want the dream. What they can't have.
Willow looks over at Xander longingly. Buffy understands only too well.
Xander: The more unattainable, the more attractive.
Willow hops down from her perch.
Willow: And for Eric the unattainable would include everyone. That's
alive.
She walks around Xander to head down the stairs. Buffy joins her.
Buffy: Uh, Eric's sick enough to do something like this, but what about
Chris? He seems like a human person.
Xander follows them.
Willow: I dunno. That thing with his brother was really hard on him.
And he talked about death a lot. Maybe he just wanted to get one-up on
it.
Buffy: But it's not doable. I mean, making someone from scraps,
actually making them live.
Willow: If it is, my science project's definitely coming in second this
year.
Xander: (spots Giles) And speaking of love...
Willow: We were talking about the re-animation of dead tissue.
Xander: Do I deconstruct your segues?
Buffy: (to Giles) Hey.
Giles: (distracted) Oh! Yes. Hello.
Buffy: Still no sign of our mad doctors?
Giles: What? Oh! Uh, corpses, yes. Evil. Huh. Very good.
They see Jenny stop and talk to a student.
Jenny: Did you bring it? (the student shakes his head) Tomorrow.
Student: I forgot it.
Giles: Very, very good.
Buffy: Okay, Giles, just remember, 'I feel a thing, you feel a
thing...' But personalize it.
Giles: Personalize it?
Buffy: She's a technopagan, right? Ask her to bless your laptop.
(starts to leave) Have fun.
Willow and Xander smile. Willow pats him on the shoulder and goes too.
Giles: What? Oh! Don't...
Xander: Best of luck. (follows the girls)
Giles: ...leave?
Jenny: (walks by) Good morning, Rupert. (continues without stopping)
Giles: Uh, Ms. Calendar?
Jenny: (looks at him but keeps going) Oh, no, please call me Jenny. Ms.
Calendar's my father.
Giles: (follows) Jenny, then.
Cut inside the halls. They walk together.
Giles: You know, uh, Jenny, um...
Jenny: Hmm?
Giles: Would it a-appear indecorous... Uh, no, not in-in-indecorous,
um...
Jenny: Yeah...?
Giles: Well, um... Wha... (exhales) Ah, ah, um...
Jenny: Rupert, look, I've gotta get inside and set up the lab.
Giles: What, what I'm proposing is...
The bell rings.
Jenny: Ah! I gotta go! Sorry! (goes into her room)
Giles: (to himself) You idiot!
Jenny: (sticks her head back out) Hey! Listen, if it's important, why
don't you just tell me at the game?
Giles: Game? Oh, uh, you're going to the football game?
Jenny: Yeah, you seem surprised. (smiles)
Giles: No! No, I-I-I-I-I-I just assumed that you, you, you spent your
evenings downloading incantations and, and, and casting bones.
Jenny: On game night? Are you nuts? You're going, too, right?
Giles: Oh, of course. Always, always do.
Jenny: So, we should just go together! Look, I could pick you up after
school, and we'll grab a bite to eat on the way if you like. How do you
feel about Mexican?
Giles nods.
Jenny: Good! Okay! And whatever it is you wanna tell me, you can just
tell me then. Okay?
Giles: Okay! Tonight, then.
Jenny smiles and goes back into her classroom.
Giles: (to himself) That went well. I think.
Cut to the science classroom. Willow is looking through a book.
Willow: I still don't get how Chris could do it. I mean, arresting the
cell deterioration is one thing, but...
Xander: Hello! (holds up a visible head) I wanna get ahead.
Willow: (exhales) Maybe an electrical current combined with an
adrenaline boost.
Xander: For the love of God, can somebody scratch my nose?
Buffy: (comes into the room) Well, it's official. Chris and Eric didn't
come to school today.
Xander: That's no coincidence.
Willow: Maybe they finished their project.
Buffy: God! What if it worked? What, what if that poor girl is walking
around?
Xander: Poor girls, technically.
Buffy: What could she be thinking?
Willow: And what are they gonna do with her?
Giles: (comes in also) I don't think we need to worry about that just
yet. I spoke to a press person this morning about the remains. The
police have finished sorting through them, and apparently they found
three heads in the dumpster.
Buffy: They only had three girls.
Giles: Precisely.
Willow: So, they don't have the whole, uh, package?
Xander: Heads must be no good. Huh. I found 'em attractive enough.
(gets looks from the girls) Well, obviously I'm not as sick as Chris and
Eric.
Giles: Based on what the police have put together, I would say they're
one step short of completing their masterpiece.
Willow: One step.
The camera pans around the visible head.
Cut to Chris' basement.
Eric: We're running out of time. If we wait too long, the onset of
atrophy in the limbs will be irreversible.
Chris: We can turn up the current. That'll buy us a day, at least.
Eric: We will lose the entire body if we don't attach a head soon.
Chris: We have time.
Eric: We don't! The crash with the girls was lucky. But we can't just
keep waiting around for another lucky accident to drop a head in our
laps. You know what we have to do. Hell, it's just one lousy girl.
Chris: I won't do it. I... I can't... kill anyone. (turns to the
shadows) Please! Understand. I... I can't do that! Please don't make me.
Daryl: But you gave me your word. You promised me, little brother.
(comes into the light) That I wouldn't be alone.
His face is discolored and criss-crossed with stitches.
~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~
Chris' basement.
Eric: The body is perfect. And if we harvest a head tonight, she'll be
ready by sunrise.
Daryl: When you brought me back you promised you'd take care of me. I
need this, Chris. I need someone.
Chris: Please don't ask me to do this. Don't ask me to take a life.
Eric: I tried to tell him. If you take a life in order to make a life,
the whole thing is a wash. No harm, no foul.
Chris: Maybe you could... you could go out...
Daryl: No!
Chris: Let people know.
Daryl: They can't see me. Chris, you've always been smarter than me.
You were always the brains. You're the only one who can help me now.
Third and long, seconds to go. Where do you throw? Where do you throw?
Chris: Number five. Daryl's gonna drive.
Daryl: Help me, brother.
Chris nods. Daryl hugs him.
Daryl: Thank you. (to Eric) Show me!
Eric shows Daryl the pictures.
Daryl: (points) This one.
Eric: Ha, ha. A man of taste.
He grabs a pair of scissors and cuts around Cordelia's hair.
Eric: (sings) My girl / Talkin' 'bout my girl / My girl
He snips her head off.
Cut to the library.
Willow: I checked the obits. Nothing that would make for a likely
candidate.
Xander: They seem kinda picky for guys who had three heads to begin
with.
Willow: Formaldehyde.
Giles: Formaldehyde. Yes, yes, yes, yes, of course, it accelerates
neural decay in the brain cells.
Willow: After a couple days they're useless. They're gonna need
something really fresh.
Buffy: How fresh?
Willow: As fresh as possible. Buffy, you don't think that they would...
Buffy: I think anybody who cuts dead girls into little pieces does not
get the benefit of any doubt. I wanna end this thing now.
Giles: I second that.
Buffy: Okay, fine. You guys go to Eric's, we can go to Chris', and meet
up.
Giles: (remembering) Oh! I'm supposed to be at the big game, I-I
believe it's called.
Buffy: Fine. Go ahead. We'll take care of this.
Giles: Well, yes, but shouldn't I, I-I, um...
Buffy: Okay, then why don't, uh, we all meet there?
Giles: Fine. Yes.
Willow: Buffy? Don't be too hard on Chris. I mean, he's not a vampire.
Buffy: No. He's just a ghoul.
They leave the library.
Cut to Chris' house. His mother answers the door for Buffy.
Buffy: Hi. Um, I'm a friend of Chris'. I kinda need to talk to him. Uh,
do you know if he's home?
Chris' Mom goes back inside and sits down again. Buffy comes in and
closes the door.
Buffy: So, is he home?
Mrs. Epps: Westbury game. November 17, '95. Daryl rushed 185 yards that
night. Four TD's. He was MVP, and he made All-City that season.
Buffy: Yeah, that was a great one. Um, but is Chris home?
Mrs. Epps: I dunno. Is today a school day? Oh, watch! Watch this move!
Daryl takes a kickoff, he sheds one, two, three defenders, and he breaks
into the open field for a ninety-five yard touchdown!
Buffy sees the basement door with its 'Keep Out' and 'No Admittance'
signs.
Mrs. Epps: He woulda been nineteen next week.
Buffy goes over to the basement door and opens it. She quietly makes her
way down the stairs. She looks around a bit, and then goes over to the
table. There she finds the pictures of herself and Willow. She also
finds the plans for the body with Cordelia's face pasted on top.
Buffy: (whispers) Cordelia!
Daryl sneaks up behind her, but the door opens and they both look up.
Buffy quickly hops over to the open basement window and climbs out.
Daryl watches her go.
Cut to the girls' locker room. Cordelia is putting on her lip-gloss.
Joy, the cheerleading squad leader, walks by with Lisa.
Joy: Cordelia. You coming?
Cordelia: Yeah, I'll be right out.
She finishes putting on her lip-gloss and sees Chris appear behind her
in the mirror. She's startled and turns to face him.
Cordelia: Oh, God! Chris, you scared me. What are you doing in here?
He looks down and away from her.
Cordelia: Is something wrong?
She screams as Eric pulls a bag over her head and drags her off. Chris
just looks away.
Cut to a hall. Buffy comes around a corner and sees Joy and Lisa coming
down the stairs.
Buffy: Joy! Lisa! Where's Cordelia?
Joy: Cordelia has a game to think about. She doesn't need losers like
you. (tries to go)
Buffy: (blocks her way) I'm sorry, what did you say?
Cut to the locker room. Eric has Cordelia on the floor, trying to tie
her hands. Buffy comes running down the adjoining hall and stops to look
into the locker room. Eric sees her and gets up to defend himself. Buffy
comes running in and jump kicks him, knocking him down. She crouches
down and pulls the bag off of Cordelia's head.
Buffy: Are you okay?
Cordelia: Oh my God, Buffy!
Eric gets up and runs away.
Buffy: Don't worry, he's gone.
Cordelia: I was on my way down to the field when Chris came in, and all
of a sudden someone jumped me.
Buffy: Shh! Quiet down. Relax. Take it easy.
Cordelia: (hears music) That's the fight song. Oh my God, it's time for
the cheerleader pyramid at mid-field. I've gotta go.
Buffy: Well, are you sure you're okay to go out there?
Cordelia: Yeah, you don't understand, I *have* to go. I'm the apex!
(runs out)
Buffy hears a noise and looks around.
Buffy: Chris? (walks slowly) I know what you're trying to do. You and
Eric. I know about the bodies from the cemetery. But you haven't hurt
anyone yet. (Chris steps out into the open) Look, I know what it's like
to lose someone that you're close to. But that's no excuse. What you're
doing is wrong.
Chris: I have to do this for him. He needs someone.
Buffy: Who, Eric? He needs industrial strength therapy!
Chris: He always looked out for me. Stood up for me. He's all alone.
Everybody loved him. And now he's all alone.
Buffy: Who are you talking... (realizes) Oh my God!
Cut to Chris' basement. Daryl is trashing the place.
Daryl: (yelling) You promised me! You promised I wouldn't have to be
alone!
Eric: It's not too late.
Daryl comes over to him and lifts him by the shirt.
Eric: Nothing's changed! We can still do this! You and me. Your
brother's not the only one who can create life. Whadaya say?
Daryl sets him down. Eric takes a few deep breaths.
Eric: Let's go scare you up a date.
~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~
Chris' Basement. Buffy and Chris come in and quickly descend the stairs.
Buffy: Daryl! Daryl? Daryl!
She takes a quick look around.
Buffy: He's not here. Where else could he be?
Chris: But he would never go out. U-unless...
Buffy: He's gonna pick up where you left off.
She makes quick strides to get out of the basement and over to the game.
After a moment's hesitation Chris follows her.
Cut to the game. Cordelia is doing a cheer with the squad.
Squad: Go, Razorbacks, go! Go, team, go! Go, Razorbacks, go! Go, team,
go!
On the field the ball is snapped, thrown, caught and run in for a
touchdown. The crowd goes wild. Cut to Jenny and Giles coming from the
refreshment stand. His arms are full of snacks and drinks.
Jenny: I don't know what it is about football that does it for me. I
mean, it lacks the, the grace of basketball, the, uh, poetry of
baseball. At its best it's unadorned aggression. It's such a rugged
contest.
Giles: Rugged. American football. (laughs)
They climb into the stands.
Jenny: And that's funny because?
Giles: No! (laughs) I just think it's rather odd (they sit) that a
nation that prides itself on its virility should feel compelled to strap
on forty pounds of protective gear just in order to play rugby.
Jenny: Is this your normal strategy for a first date? Dissing my
country's national pastime?
Giles: Did you just say 'date'?
Jenny: You noticed that, huh?
Willow: Hi, Ms. Calendar! Hi, Giles.
Jenny: Hey, guys. What's up?
Willow: Eric's was a bust. Nothing there.
Xander: Yeah, nothing but a bunch of computer equipment and a
pornography collection so prodigious it even scared me.
Willow: Did Buffy get back yet?
Giles: No, uh, no. Uh, perhaps you should, uh, circulate nearer the
field, see what you can find.
Willow and Xander slip under the railing and sit in front of Giles and
Jenny. Xander reaches back and takes Giles' popcorn.
Xander: So, what's the score?
Giles and Jenny are unhappy about them sitting right there.
Cut to a view of the field from behind the spectators. The teams are
getting in position for the next play. The ball is snapped. Cut under
the stands. Daryl is crawling along, looking for Cordelia. He sees the
action on the field and stops a moment to watch and remember. A player
on the field gets tackled, but has gained several yards and gets high-
fives from his teammates. Daryl lowers his eyes a moment, then notices
Cordelia. She takes a break from cheerleading and walks over to the
coolers next to the bleachers for a drink. Daryl comes up behind her as
she drinks and grabs her. She screams, but her yell is drowned out by
the crowd cheering another touchdown. The other cheerleaders jump and
wave their pompoms. On the field the players help the scoring team
member up and pat him on the back. Buffy and Chris arrive by the
bleachers.
Buffy: I don't see her. Do you?
Chris: No.
Buffy lets out a frustrated breath.
Cut to the old science lab at the school. Cordelia has been blindfolded
and is being tied to a gurney.
Cordelia: Please, what's going on? Just take off the blindfold. I
promise I won't scream! I promise!
Daryl lifts the sheet from the headless body they've constructed.
Daryl: She's beautiful!
Eric: No! It's bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the
wedding.
Daryl puts the sheet back down and goes over to Cordelia.
Cordelia: Please? Just take off the blindfold! I promise I won't
scream! I promise!
Daryl: Cordelia?
He takes off her blindfold. She takes one look at him and screams at the
top of her lungs.
Eric: You can scream all you want. We're in an abandoned building.
Cordelia screams for help at an even higher pitch. Eric holds up a pan
and threatens to hit her with it.
Eric: Okay, that's enough.
Cordelia stops her screaming, and Eric puts the pan back down.
Daryl: You were always good to me. Always noticed me. But I ignored
you. I'm sorry. I'm glad I have a second chance to tell you that.
Cordelia: D-Daryl?
Daryl: I was thoughtless. I see that now. But I've changed. I've
learned to appreciate how much it meant that you wanted to be with me.
Eric: We're ready.
Cordelia: Ready? Ready for what?
Eric: You're gonna feel a little pinch, maybe some discomfort around
the neck area. But don't worry. When you wake up, you'll have the body
of a seventeen-year-old. In fact, you'll have the body of several.
He lifts the sheet, and Cordelia lets out a very intense scream when she
sees the body.
Cut back to the game. Buffy walks over to the cooler and finds
Cordelia's pompoms.
Buffy: He was here, Chris. Where did he take her?
Chris: To the rest of the body. To the lab.
Buffy: Where is that?
Chris: I promised him that I...
Buffy: Look, he'll kill Cordelia! You can't just give and take lives
like that. It's not your job.
Chris: He's in the old science lab. Everything's set up there.
Buffy: Thank you. Now find Xander and Willow and tell them what's going
on.
She leaves quickly for the lab. Chris goes to find the others.
Cut to the lab. Eric is pouring gasoline into a sink.
Cordelia: (frightened) Daryl, please. You don't have to do this.
Daryl: We have to. So we can be together.
Cordelia: We'll be together anyway! I'll be with you, I promise!
Daryl: Is that right?
Cordelia: Mm hm!
Daryl: You see anything you like?
He goes over to the other body and lifts the sheet.
Daryl: And when you're finished you won't go out. You won't run away.
But we can hide together.
Cordelia: (very frightened) Please! Please!
Eric holds a knife into a flame a moment, and then comes over to her.
Eric: Sterile enough for government work.
He bends over Cordelia to begin the procedure.
Cordelia: No! No, please!
There is a loud pounding on the door. It breaks open and Buffy comes in.
Eric turns around, sees her and throws the knife at her. She catches it
in midair.
Cordelia: Buffy, help me!
Eric runs away.
Buffy: Daryl, listen. I know what you're doing, okay? Your brother sent
me to stop you.
Daryl: He wouldn't do that. My brother loves me.
Cordelia: Buffy, they're crazy!
Buffy: It's okay, Cordelia. I'm gonna get you outta here.
Daryl: No, I'm not done with her yet!
He turns to the instrument tray and fumbles around for something. He
grabs a cleaver.
Daryl: I'm not finished!
He takes the cleaver back to Cordelia and tries to start hacking at her
neck. Buffy rushes over, grabs Daryl's arm, knocks the cleaver away and
punches him in the face. She scrambles around the table to continue the
fight, but Daryl punches her hard in the face. He grabs her, slams her
head into the instrument tray and throws her over Cordelia and onto the
floor.
Daryl: I won't live alone!
He pushes Cordelia's gurney aside, and it knocks over the can of
gasoline. The gas starts pouring out onto the floor.
Eric: I'm getting out of here!
Daryl: (grabs Eric by the shirt) You have to help me!
Eric: Let go!
Daryl throws Eric aside and faces Buffy again. Eric slides into a barrel
with his head and gets knocked out. Daryl comes at Buffy. She kicks him
in the knee, making him collapse to the floor. She kicks him again in
the gut as he tries to get up. He tries to get up again, and she kicks
him in the face. He's not fazed, gets up and tries to swing at her. She
ducks it. He tries again, and she ducks again and kicks him in the
chest, sending him staggering backward and knocking the Bunsen burner to
the floor, igniting the gasoline. Xander shows up.
Xander: Buffy!
Buffy: Get Cordelia!
Cordelia: Xander!
Xander runs over to Cordelia and tries to untie her.
Cordelia: Get me out of here!
Daryl grabs hold of Buffy and flips her over onto the floor. As she
gets up he grabs a canister and throws it at her. She ducks it. The
flames around Cordelia and Xander are starting to get higher. Buffy
kicks Daryl twice in the side.
Cordelia: C'mon! C'mon! Get it off!
Daryl grabs Buffy again, lifts her and holds on to her while she
struggles to free herself. Xander is getting nowhere with Cordelia's
bindings and tries to find a knife.
Cordelia: Get it off! Get me outta here! C'mon!
Buffy continues to struggle in Daryl's grip. Giles and Willow show up.
Xander gives up looking and decides to just wheel Cordelia out. Willow
and Giles spot Eric, pick him up and get him out. Xander gives the
gurney a good shove, hops on and they roll through the flames while
Cordelia screams. He hops off, and Jenny helps him stop the gurney. They
get Cordelia loose. Buffy hits Daryl in the neck, and he lets go of her.
She tries to kick him again, but he grabs her leg, lifts her up and
throws her to the floor. Buffy is stunned and lies there while Daryl
grabs a desk and raises it over his head.
Chris: Daryl!
Daryl looks behind him and sees his brother there.
Chris: Don't!
Daryl looks back at Buffy and then notices the body surrounded by
flames. He tosses the desk aside and rushes over to it.
Daryl: She's mine!
Chris: Daryl!
Buffy gets up and stops Chris from running into the flames after Daryl.
Chris: Daryl!
Jenny watches, stunned as Giles comes back into the room behind her and
looks on as well.
Daryl: No. We'll be together always. No! Mine!
The flames engulf Daryl and his bride-to-be.
Cut outside. There are fire engines and police all over. The camera pans
down from above over to Chris and Buffy.
Chris: The first time he woke up after... He said I shouldn'ta brought
him back. I-I was just... tryin' to look out for him. Like... he woulda
done for me.
Angel: (suddenly shows up) I saw the fire. I figured you'd be here. Is
everyone okay?
Buffy: Yeah. We're okay.
Cut to Giles walking up to Jenny. He hands her a cup of coffee.
Giles: Sorry about all this.
Jenny: It's okay. Although a good rule of thumb for a first date is
don't do anything so exciting that it'll be hard to top on the second
date.
Giles: Believe it or not, since I've moved here to live on top of the
Hellmouth, the events of this evening actually qualify as a slow night.
(pauses and considers) Did you just say 'second date'?
Jenny: You noticed that, huh? (smiles)
Giles smiles back and takes a sip of his coffee. Cut to Willow and
Xander.
Xander: Well, I guess that makes it official. Everybody's paired off.
Vampires get dates. Hell, even the school librarian sees more action
than me. You ever think that the world is a giant game of musical
chairs, and the music's stopped and we're the only ones who don't have a
chair?
Willow: All the time.
Cordelia: Xander? I just wanted to thank you for saving my life. What
you did in there was really brave and heroic, and I just wanted to tell
you if there was anything that I could ever do to...
Xander: Do you mind? We're talking here.
Cordelia is taken aback, rolls her eyes and leaves.
Xander: So where were we?
Willow: Wondering why we never get dates.
Xander: Yeah, so why do you think that is?
Cut to the cemetery. Angel and Buffy are strolling through.
Buffy: God, the whole thing was so creepy. Well, at the same time, I
mean... he did do it all for his brother.
Angel: Sounds like he took it a little over the edge.
Buffy: Love makes you do the wacky.
Angel: What?
Buffy: Crazy stuff.
Angel: Oh. Crazy, like a two-hundred-and-forty-one-year-old being
jealous of a high school junior?
Buffy: Are you fessing up?
Angel: I've thought about it. Maybe it bothers me a little.
Buffy: I don't love Xander.
Angel: Yeah, but he's in your life. He gets to be there when I can't.
Take your classes, eat your meals, hear your jokes and complaints. He
gets to see you in the sunlight.
Buffy: I don't look that good in direct light.
Angel: It'll be morning soon.
Buffy: I should probably go. I could walk you home.
They look at each other for a long moment. Finally Angel begins to walk,
and Buffy accompanies him, her hand in his. The camera pans down to
Daryl Epps' gravestone, 1978 - 1996.
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